How do I deal with my boyfriend leaving me alone with Herpes?

Dear Dr. Erica:

I was in a relationship for about a year and 3 months. My ex-boyfriend found out he had herpes 4 months after we were together. He told me to go to the doctor and check myself. Two weeks after, I found out I had it too. I felt devastated and dirty. We stayed together and we were trying to live our normal life. I had never had any breakout and neither did he. I have been checking myself with the doctor every 3 months. About 2 weeks ago, my ex-boyfriend decided that we were not working out and he wanted to move on. I feel very depressed. I’m just thinking that nobody is gonna want me. My ex-boyfriend is ready to move on. How can he be so selfish after all we been through? I don’t want to be humiliated by anyone, so I have decided never to date again. Please help me, Lonely

Dr. Erica’s Response

Dear Lonely:
Since you already describe yourself as lonely, is that how you want to live the rest of your life? Do you really believe there is nobody out there who would like your company, your presence, and to share intimate moments with you? If you were so unlovable and undesirable, how could your boyfriend have stayed with you for a year and 3 months? You must have something special to offer that he saw and wanted. But each of us has a complex mental and emotional makeup, created by our genes, early childhood upbringing, culture, nationality and religion, environment, education, work or career, friends and associates, and all sorts of life experiences. When we first meet a new person, we may feel attracted. However, as we get closer and share ourselves more intimately, all sorts of subconscious needs and desires may arise. There is no way to predict or to fully understand what another person’s consciousness is experiencing. All you can do is to be yourself, offer your love to another person, and then allow them to express themselves in their own way. If they fall in love with you and want to be your life partner, and you feel the same way, wonderful. However, if the other person feels a need to “move on,” to meet and become intimate with others, all you can do is let this person go – either willingly or with resistance, anger, hurt, accusations and a sense of victimhood. It is unfortunate that you contracted the herpes virus, but it is just one minor life issue that can be dealt with. There are many other men in the world and there is one, probably many more than one, that is waiting to meet you, to love you and to share intimate moments and perhaps a lifetime with you.

But if you choose to never date again and remain a lonely and depressed woman until old age, the choice is yours. Personally, I would make every effort to feel relieved that this man has shown his true feelings, his true colors, now and not 10, 20, or 30 years from now when you have invested so much more time, energy, emotion and devotion.


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