Is it okay that she didn’t tell me she has herpes?

Dear Dr. Amy:

 I have been seeing a woman for the past year. Recently she informed me that she has herpes and has known this prior to our relationship of a year. She tells me she hasn’t had an outbreak until recently and we have not been sexual during that time. I have not displayed any of the symptoms associated with the disease however I am concerned. I’m also very disturbed that it took a year to learn this rather valuable information when in no uncertain terms we openly discussed our past history and medical background. I have come to care about this person a great deal but this is something unforgiveable. And all because she was ashamed of what I might think of her. I’m not quite sure how to respond-until recently we were planning a life together and now I’m not quite sure of anything? 

Signed, Confused

P.S. Here is a little poem you might want to share with others who may be going through similar circumstances. 


My knees start to shake, when you’re in sight My heart is filled with wonder, my heart with fright.
When will this feeling stop? When sis it start? How can I listen to my mind. Without breaking my heart?
I’m so confused. What should I do? I can’t think of anything, except for you.
Should I ignore you? Or just give it time? I can’t think straight, my heart controls my mind.

Dr. Amy’s Response:

Dear Confused, 

You are describing a phenomena psychiatrist Carl Jung explains as: you can not think and feel with equal intensity at the same time. When you are in your hear-felt or feeling mode it is difficult to be rational, as visa versa. What might help is for you to verbally express your feelings, concerns, and confusion, as you did so wonderfully in your poem, directly to your lover. Encourage her to do the same. Try to discuss why it took her so long to tell you-listen to what she says without attacking her. Our past very often effects our ability to be truly intimate with another and she may not have had partners as understanding as you are before. Thanks for sharing your poem with the readers.


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