Is it right to let others know that my boyfriend has herpes?

Dear Dr. Amy:

I am a 22 year old female and my 23 year old boyfriend has this disease. He told me from the very start, so I have visited this site before, but the reason I am writing this is because he likes to have threesomes, and the couple I know didn’t know he had herpes. I asked him if he uses protection with them and he said he used to, but he doesn’t always anymore. I was shocked and horrified to find this out, both for my sake and for theirs. He doesn’t have sex when he is having an outbreak, but I still don’t always trust it. Anyway, I told this couple today that he has it, is that right of me to do? I mean it is his life, but the lady is trying to get pregnant again and I thought it was a good idea for them to know. He doesn’t know that I told them, and I made it clear to them that if they confronted him about to make sure he has no idea I am the one that told them. What should I do if he finds out I told them? Did I have the right to tell them in the first place?
Thank you, Danielle

Dr. Amy’s Response:

Dear Danielle, 

You are talking about issues of trust and communication and state you are horrified that your boyfriend did not inform his partners about having herpes. Your concerns about him possibly infecting a female who is trying to get pregnant as well as yourself are valid. Why did you not let your lover know of these concerns? You sound angry (understandably) at your boyfriend for being deceitful yet you have done the same by going behind his back.

I also wonder if his choice of partners outside of your relationship is mutually agreeable. I recommend you take a look at your own feelings and motives to help you decide just how important honesty and trust is in a relationship.


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