HERPES

Is it safe to plan a three-some if third partner has herpes?

Dear Dr. Amy:

My husband and I have been completely monogamous for the 13 years that we have been together. Neither of us has herpes. We recently decided that it would be fun to live a common fantasy: involving another woman in our sex life. We met a possible candidate. We have not tried anything yet, and we’ve been getting to know each other. Last week, she called and told us that she couldn’t go out because she had a cold sore. Now we are afraid of persuing this relationship. She assures us that once the cold sore “dries up”, that it is no longer contagious. Also, what if she gave one of us oral sex? Could we catch it? My husband and I both feel like we should just dissolve this relationship. Any suggestions on how we could let her down gently? She is STILL a nice person…and, she does have to live with herpes, a bummer.
Curious Couple

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Dr. Amy’s Response:

Dear Curious Couple,

The element of risk and fantasy can add excitement and variety to a couple’s sexual relationship. The risk of “getting caught” and “doing something wrong” can heighten sexual arousal. However, taking a medical risk is not a sexual turn on and can lead to transmission of STDs. Sex is fun as long as it does not cause physical or psychological injury and is agreeable to all involved.

You have described your relationship as being exclusively with one another for the past 13 years. Keep in mind that new partners may have had multiple partners which increases the risk of STDs. You are not only sleeping with that one person, but all the partners they have had.

Yes, you can transmit oral herpes to the genitals. You and your spouse need to decide how you want to tell your friend of your decisions to terminate the relationship. She may be unaware of the ways herpes can be transmitted. Letting her know your concerns may help her incorporate safer sex practices into her life. It may also help to prevent another person from contracting a STD due to lack of knowledge.

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